Batrant: Arkham City

Here’s the truth. Arkham City’s Batman doesn’t detect shit.

Now now, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not implying batman is any less of a badass than he usually is. He still gets shot at, beat up, and poisoned. And despite the universe seeming hell-bent on making him suffer, he still wants nothing more than to punch criminals and put them in prisons from which they will invariably escape to threaten the safety of Gotham’s residents the week after.

But with regard to Batman’s actual detective work in Arkham City... well it’s pretty non-existent. Sure he can put 2 and 2 together but that doesn’t make him a detective in my book. Further detectives are supposed to be crafty and learn secret information through being witty and skilled conversationalists. Batman interrogations go something like this:

Batman grabs the suspect by the throat and holds him off the ground. He then instructs the suspect to tell him what he wants to know. The poor sod says something along the lines of “I’ll tell you everything! Please don’t hurt me!” Batman quips some macho one-liner like “I knew you would” and punches the guy in the mouth. THIS IS NOT DETECTING. What are we telling our children?!

But seriously, maybe he at least does solid detective work at a crime scene right? Nope. He’s got... co-workers? holed up back at the batcave and he just scans shit over for them to examine while he kicks ass. Or while he gets his ass handed to him, because that frequently happens too.

On that note, what the shit Bats. Why do you repeatedly let yourself get captured? Think about how much sooner you could have fucked shit up (read stopped Strange) if you weren’t DYING BECAUSE YOU BASICALLY LET YOURSELF GET CAPTURED AND INJECTED WITH TITAN. “Shit the city needs saving, but since I’m a stubborn putts and walked into a trap again, I now need to go off course from my main objective for an extended period of time to fix myself, since... you know... I can hardly walk and I have crazy veiny stuff growing concentrically from the sides of my head.” You unbelievable jackass.

How many times can a superhero be “ambushed” and beaten over the back of his head? If Batman has so many amazing gadgets why hasn’t he requested an “equipment drop” of some motion detectors to paste on the back of his hood/mask/thing? No wait, even better, why not a camera that he can view from his armband/Pipboy/thing? For fucks sake Barbara are you writing this shit down?! Can I call you Barbara? I’m not sure what you prefer to go by. Batman seems to call you Oracle if he needs you to do something for him. But then he calls you Barbara when he’s being condescending and/or dismissive. He’s a cold motherfucker. It’s not you Barb, it’s him.

Anyways, like I was saying, Batman doesn’t even really do anything at crime scenes! To elaborate, I’ve written an easy-to-read 4 step training guide to solving crimes Batman style.

Step 1: Get shot at/kidnapped/poisoned or find a mutilated corpse or bloodstain.

Step 2: Scan notable object with optical device to “gather evidence.”

Step 3: Send evidence to batcave over 3g network (“going 5 feet into the subway, I’ll probably lose you Alfred”).

Step 4: Crawl around to find “hidden” Riddler trophies until you reach a green triangle on a GPS map-device you’re surely carrying around.

That reminds me: At one point Batman starts making a scene by falling over and dying and stuff. Oracle comes through on the headset pestering him about his vitals dropping off a cliff. Batman is like “I think I’ll make it... I just need to immediately get to Rāʾs āl-Ḡwl for a temporary cure.……

aaaaas soon as I’ve finished doing time-trial acrobatics to collect these Riddler question mark things” …..

In conclusion, none of this can fairly constitute detective work. And therefore, Batman should no longer be known as the world’s greatest detective. Professor Layton and Ace-Attorney Phoenix Wright can have a finger-pointing war to see who rightly deserves the title (I have my money on Phoenix, he knows how to win over judges nyuk nyuk).

Batman, as far as I’m concerned, can hitherto-forth be known as the world’s greatest guy who makes everything more difficult than it has to be.

Walking Dead Season 2 Midseason Premiere

OMG guys new Walking Dead episode aired yesterday and it was actually pretty good. Here’s what happened (if you watched it, read it anyway, because frankly my version is better).

Herschel gets all down on himself for not realizing zombies are actually zombies and disappears. That nobody-character in the house goes into a state of catatonic shock or something and everyone’s like “is there a doctor in the hou… SHIT!” Rick sees a flask on the dresser and says rather randomly “oh looks like he used to be a drunk and found his old friend Mr. Booze, let’s haul ass to the local pub because that’s definitely where he is.” Wait what? I just don’t even… whatever.

Rick and the Asian kid (no I won’t use his name because he doesn’t have any personality whatsoever) get to the pub and (surprise!) Herschel is getting hosed at the far end of the bar. They have some heart to heart about being strong and standing up for their families even though they themselves might not believe there’s any hope. Deep stuff. You know... man talk.

Then some random dudes show up and are all threatening and weird, and Rick is like “nah dude, no room at the farm, go make a home in Nebraska.” The dudes reach for their guns but Rick is the fastest-draw in the… well... probably the whole fucking world now and pwns them.

Oh yeah and at some point Lori decides she needs to go into town after Rick to get them to hurry up or something… because that’s safe.  Needless to say, a walker is shambling around the road and she doesn’t see it while she’s looking at a map. She nails it Carmageddon style, screams and spazzes out, and manages to careen the car off road and make it start doing flips and shit. She’s probably dead or unconscious in the middle of nowhere. So there’s that.

Alright, I imagine you have lots of questions. Here’s an FAQ of sorts that should address the most commonplace ones.

Q: What’s Daryl up to?

A: Oh nothing much, he’s just sharpening some sort of tiny plastic spear way off on the ass-end of the farm. He also raves like a lunatic and is a complete dick to Lori when she asks him for help. Seems he didn’t take that whole Sophia being a zombie-child thing too well.

Q: Was there another scene where Dale is all wide-eyed and serious and “I know what kinda man you are” to Shane? A: Oh my god you noticed too? WHY DO THEY KEEP DOING THOSE?! Yes we get it. Dale is frightened of Shane and is all like “You’re a
monster.” And Shane is all like “I’M WAY MORE
OF A MAN THAN YOU EVER WILL BE DALE WHAT DO YOU DO AROUND HERE ANYWAYS IF I NEED A RADIATOR HOSE I’LL LET YOU KNOW BRO!” More ‘roids dude… take them… Oh yeah and to answer the question, yes of course, there is another scene like it. Enjoy! Q: What was Herschel drinking?

A: Why the hell would I remember that?

Q: Was it whiskey?

A: Probably. Yeah now that you mention it I think it was. Next!

Q: Was it a Tennessee sour mash?

A:   -_-  I hate you. Bye now, goodbye!