Here’s the truth. Arkham City’s Batman doesn’t detect shit.
Now now, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not implying batman is any less of a badass than he usually is. He still gets shot at, beat up, and poisoned. And despite the universe seeming hell-bent on making him suffer, he still wants nothing more than to punch criminals and put them in prisons from which they will invariably escape to threaten the safety of Gotham’s residents the week after.
But with regard to Batman’s actual detective work in Arkham City... well it’s pretty non-existent. Sure he can put 2 and 2 together but that doesn’t make him a detective in my book. Further detectives are supposed to be crafty and learn secret information through being witty and skilled conversationalists. Batman interrogations go something like this:
Batman grabs the suspect by the throat and holds him off the ground. He then instructs the suspect to tell him what he wants to know. The poor sod says something along the lines of “I’ll tell you everything! Please don’t hurt me!” Batman quips some macho one-liner like “I knew you would” and punches the guy in the mouth. THIS IS NOT DETECTING. What are we telling our children?!
But seriously, maybe he at least does solid detective work at a crime scene right? Nope. He’s got... co-workers? holed up back at the batcave and he just scans shit over for them to examine while he kicks ass. Or while he gets his ass handed to him, because that frequently happens too.
On that note, what the shit Bats. Why do you repeatedly let yourself get captured? Think about how much sooner you could have fucked shit up (read stopped Strange) if you weren’t DYING BECAUSE YOU BASICALLY LET YOURSELF GET CAPTURED AND INJECTED WITH TITAN. “Shit the city needs saving, but since I’m a stubborn putts and walked into a trap again, I now need to go off course from my main objective for an extended period of time to fix myself, since... you know... I can hardly walk and I have crazy veiny stuff growing concentrically from the sides of my head.” You unbelievable jackass.
How many times can a superhero be “ambushed” and beaten over the back of his head? If Batman has so many amazing gadgets why hasn’t he requested an “equipment drop” of some motion detectors to paste on the back of his hood/mask/thing? No wait, even better, why not a camera that he can view from his armband/Pipboy/thing? For fucks sake Barbara are you writing this shit down?! Can I call you Barbara? I’m not sure what you prefer to go by. Batman seems to call you Oracle if he needs you to do something for him. But then he calls you Barbara when he’s being condescending and/or dismissive. He’s a cold motherfucker. It’s not you Barb, it’s him.
Anyways, like I was saying, Batman doesn’t even really do anything at crime scenes! To elaborate, I’ve written an easy-to-read 4 step training guide to solving crimes Batman style.
Step 1: Get shot at/kidnapped/poisoned or find a mutilated corpse or bloodstain.
Step 2: Scan notable object with optical device to “gather evidence.”
Step 3: Send evidence to batcave over 3g network (“going 5 feet into the subway, I’ll probably lose you Alfred”).
Step 4: Crawl around to find “hidden” Riddler trophies until you reach a green triangle on a GPS map-device you’re surely carrying around.
That reminds me: At one point Batman starts making a scene by falling over and dying and stuff. Oracle comes through on the headset pestering him about his vitals dropping off a cliff. Batman is like “I think I’ll make it... I just need to immediately get to Rāʾs āl-Ḡwl for a temporary cure.……
| aaaaas soon as I’ve finished doing time-trial acrobatics to collect these Riddler question mark things” ….. |  |
Batman, as far as I’m concerned, can hitherto-forth be known as the world’s greatest guy who makes everything more difficult than it has to be.
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